self

there is a bit of a thrill, yes, along with a severe fuck of a chill at the weather and the world and the prospects for the future, taking a leap – a mental leap, a financial leap, and a leap of logic mixed with naivety, but mostly just caught in the wonderpuzzlementawe at the out-of-place where-do-i-go and what-do-i-do-now combined with a heavy dose of sweet-christ-what-is-my-place-in-the-wild-vortex-of-things-now-

interrobang.
big
motherfucking
interrobang.

and so i admit, i feel, i accept that there is finally a cusp (a favorite i’ve pretended to feel for so long) and there is actually a sincere sense of positive potential and open acceptance for whatever the hell might come my way.. but of rent and food and bills – i have six months of a future life paid and accounted for on torn pieces of graph paper in my head, on actual printed receipts, and strewn about as numbers in cells and imaginary boxes of nonexistent spreadsheets, and at the end of all the strings of partially formed equations just after the equals sign, there is a figure, a figure that, on the whole it has the smell of fried onions, so i guess i’ve just got to take that as a sign that these things are there to be accepted rejected embraced loved feared-

-and sweet jesuschrist, 5-hour energy comes in pomegranate now-

but the crazy disjointed feelings of elation and potential growth are dampened slightly by the feeling that things will never be the same, a feeling that always pokes me in my nostalgia nerve, so i can’t help but wonder after all if i’m doing the right thing (dampened slightly, i said – no going back, of course)..

these thoughts do not last..
(and neither did the ones before..)

so there is a new living space in which to grow and a new life cycle in which to define myself – all experiences and memories from here until sometime over there will be of an altogether new order, flavor, quality – one tinged with the foggy outlines of drastically altered perceptual cues.. the old days are falling away

but, wait – i’m getting off track
none of this is what i came here to say.
what i want to say, what i need to say is…

goodbye guardshack of solitude.
sweet barbed-wire sunsets, wish me luck~

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This entry was posted by iambarr on Friday, January 29th, 2010 at 21:17 and is filed under rant. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.